As a loved one’s life nears its end, whether it’s due to illness, age, or injury, you may find yourself in a position of caring for them – potentially doing things like taking on tasks they can no longer handle themselves or helping them with activities of daily living. Their needs and your workload may progress over time and can last for many years. But what happens when they pass on? On that day, it all stops.
Afterward, you may find yourself navigating the loss with a set of confusing emotions and experiences that are more common than you think. In this article, we’ll talk about life after caregiving – what you can expect as this journey comes to an end.
For Caregivers, Bereavement is Complicated
Family caregiving is a role that naturally fosters a variety of emotions. After the loved one in your care passes, these conflicting and confusing emotions can intensify. They range from the typical emotions you’d expect (like grief) to more complex ones like relief, or guilt over that sense of relief.
The first thing we want to make clear is that all of these emotions – even the ones you don’t want to feel – are natural and common. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing a mix of both sadness and relief when a loved one you cared for passes away.
You’re going through a very complex experience.
On one side of it, you feel the pain of losing someone you love and the emptiness of knowing they're no longer here. But at the same time, there's also a more confusing feeling of relief because their suffering has ended, and you no longer have to handle the daily care tasks.
You spent a lot of your time focused on their needs, making sure they were comfortable, cared for, and happy. Now, they are at peace, and you have to figure out how to move forward with your own life.
Emotions You May Experience Post-Caregiving
As you’ll soon find out, life after caregiving is anything but simple on an emotional level. You may immediately have new tasks around end-of-life paperwork and arrangements, but will shortly find yourself with a confusing amount of time to wallow in the emotions you’re feeling.
To help you through it, let’s talk about some of the common emotions you may experience after the loved one in your care passes.
Grief
The first and most common emotion you’ll experience is the heavy weight of grief. It's normal for anyone to feel intense emotions like sadness and anger when a loved one dies. As a caregiver, you should expect the same.
It’s important to allow yourself to feel these emotions and to give yourself grace if they take time (usually a year or two) to heal from–even if society makes it feel like you should move on quicker.
Relief
Many caregivers feel relieved when their caregiving duties end – both because their loved one is no longer suffering and because of the reduced personal workload.
This emotion is a tricky one. Some caregivers struggle with its weight because it feels heartless to feel a positive emotion around death. But it’s important to know this feeling is normal – not something to feel guilty about. Your grieving may have started long before, especially with long-lasting illnesses like dementia or some cancers. Relief that it’s all over is natural.
Guilt
Guilt is a common emotion in life after caregiving. It can come from anything – feeling guilty about not being perfect throughout care, second-guessing your choices for end-of-life care, or questioning how things could have been different.
It may take time to accept it, but your best is all you could have ever done – and you did it. Try to exchange any feelings of guilt with appreciation for the time and effort you selflessly put into their wellbeing. You are not responsible for the outcome.
Confusion
Finally, after caregiving ends, it's normal to feel lost and unsure of your purpose. If you’re like most caregivers, you just spent years with a huge portion of your life and identity consumed by another. That person is now gone, taking your caregiver role with them. Give yourself time to redefine your place in the world and figure out who you are now.
Emotions You May Experience when Re-entering Life
After your loved one passes, you will experience a period of time fixed on grief and recovery. As time passes, you’ll need to start finding your way into re-entering life. Here are some tips to help you do just that.
Time
One of the first things you’ll notice after caregiving is the amount of time you now have on your hands. Depending on your personality, you may feel you either need to jam-pack your schedule to keep yourself busy, or feel like you’re facing a void that can’t be filled. Whichever direction you feel pulled toward, offer yourself grace.
Take one day at a time when thinking about the future.
Sleep
Caregivers often feel exhausted after their duties end. Your emotional and physical strength has been put through the wringer over the last few years – especially the final few weeks or months. Whenever possible, allow yourself the time and space to rest and recover.
Loneliness
There are many reasons that you may now feel lonely after caregiving.
You’ve lost someone close to you, creating a hole in your family or friendships.
You may feel a void from no longer being needed in that way.
Caregiving can be isolating, so you may need to rebuild your social life.
Or a combination of all three. Whenever you’re ready, remember that you should accept the invitations from friends that interest you, attend gatherings, reach out to loved ones using phone calls or text messages, and re-enter the social circles that matter to you.
Closing Thoughts: Life After Caregiving
Life after caregiving is anything but simple. Make no mistake about it, you’re in a period of transition. You’ll experience emotional and physical exhaustion, overwhelm, relief, grief, and a need to reorient your life. You deserve the time and space you need to heal and work through it.
The California Caregiver Resource Center of Orange County is here to provide assistance and guidance to help you do that. Check out our library of resources to help you navigate this experience. Together, we can navigate the healthcare landscape and help you provide the best possible care for your loved one(s).
Further Reading: Paperwork After Death. What Should You Do After Someone Dies?
Even if you see it coming, the death of a loved one is one of the most stressful and painful events a person can go through. And that would be hard enough if it didn’t also trigger an additional set of responsibilities. You may need to settle their affairs, including things like their will, estate, funeral, insurance, and more.
Click here to read about paperwork after death - and the steps you need to take to make sure you don’t miss any of the important details.
CRC OC also offers a support group - Transitions - to support those who are transitioning out of their caregiving role and looking to give meaning to and integrate their unique caregiving experiences as they move forward into a new journey of self-discovery. Learn more at about our support groups here.
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